Disclaimer: If you're easily offended by redneck stupidity stop reading now!

I swear I really had this IM conversation the other day. After I finished laughing, I thought about how much I love my new drama-free life.

First let me set up the scenario. I'm at work, minding my own business and I get an IM from a former redneck karaoke-bar acquaintance. He had just returned from a trip to Florida with his friend Little Dave. Little Dave went there to reunite with his 13 year old daughter, but he took along this group of friends.

monkey boy: check this out! little dave used to be married ten yrs ago....he never had to get divorced because all three of his wives got him for bigomy. It was like a court ordered annulment thing.

Ang: Bigamy? Isn't that illegal?

monkey boy: yep...he did 6 months for it. His brain is too close to his manhood...lol

Ang: He has a brain?

monkey boy: maybe not...he didn't even plan out the trip....we had to have so much money wired to us it was unreal. We went through like 1200.00

Ang: How was Disney World?

monkey boy: did'nt get to go

Ang: why?

monkey boy: money problems

Ang: I thought you had $1200

monkey boy: dave has huge holes in his pockets when he sees a bar. We started off with 800 and had 400 wired just to get home

Ang: But you guys were gone for a week, were else did you go?

monkey boy: Georgia and we spent a lot of our time in the car

Ang: why?

monkey boy: well, it was about 15hrs on the way there........when we got there he hadn't reserved a hotel...so we road around looking for a hotel with no luck. Finally ....his ex's dad had a house that he was renting that was empty....so we gave him $40 a day to stay in this empty house with two mattresses and about 4 lawn chairs. We went to go to the everglades the next day......drove around for miles and by the time we found a decent priced tour guide...they were closed

Ang: Did the reunion go well?

monkey boy: kinda

Ang: kinda?

monkey boy: the girl's mother got drunk at daves expense and shit hit the fan. She was screaming at him standing out in the middle of the street and got the cops called on her. After talking to the law....they got the picture that this chick was drunk and needed to go pass out. I made the comment to the police "are we gonna be on COPS?" That kind of broke the ice and killed the tension

Ang: Oh

monkey boy: I'm only about half way through the drama that we encountered.

Ang: what else?

monkey boy: ok big Richard (the weird guy that twitches his head a lot) had this girlfriend who has an anger problem....needless to say we refereed the two retards during the whole trip. When I asked dave why brought them along he said he figured their disability checks would help out with paying for the trip. Both of them are bipolar. But they ate more than the money they had.

Ang: This should be an episode of "My Name is Earl"

monkey boy: so on the way back the slap happy lovers get into it...and start calling their families. Richard tells his mom that his girlfriend slapped him. So we get word that Richard can't bring his girlfriend can't come home to stay with him...that she needs to find somewhere else to stay. So we head to meet her family at the Chattanooga exit ( we thought) Then when we get there....we're told it's just a couple more streets to get to their house. We drove 150miles out of the way and still had 80 more miles before we even got close. so we find the short cut to get us back to 75....which by the way was still a good 100miles away

Ang: So let me see if I have this right; You went on a trip with lil' Dave (the bigamist) who took along twitching (Dick) Richard and his angry fat girlfriend (AFG) and rented a house from his (fake) ex-wife's father and all four of you slept on the mattresses in the abandoned house in Florida?

monkey boy: Yep, but those three slept on a king size mattress....I had my own room away from the drama on a twin size on the other side of the house

Ang: Lil' Dave was going to finance the trip with twitching Dick's disability check but twitching Dick and his AFG ate more than the check was worth so you had to get money wired to you to get back to Kentucky

monkey boy: yep

Ang: Meanwhile, the bigamist's ex-wife gets drunk and starts a fight in the street and police showed up.

monkey boy: uh huh

Ang: So the four of you load up and head to see your kin-folk in Georgia

monkey boy: yep, but I did keep them pinned up in the motel as to not freak out my family

Ang: On the way there AFG and twitchingDick start boxing and he calls to tell his Maw and she says AFG can't come back to Kentucky so the four of you go off through the woods of Tenn. to find her kin folk and dump her off.

monkey boy: not quite

Ang: not quite?

monkey boy: we were thrown 150miles off course...could'nt seem to find the house...wind up in a log cabin for a gas station and learn that we still got another 80 miles before we even get to the town that were trying to find

Ang: Then you find her kin-folk and dump her off or was she still with you?

monkey boy: No, we get directions for the shortest distance back to 75 since we only got a 1/4 tank left and no money

Ang: and....

monkey boy: She was stil with us. We go the other 100 miles to get to Knoxville, find a Kroger and once again Lil' Dave calls for a western union wire for $60 bucks to get us back on the road. after sitting in the parking lot and waiting for the wire( from his ex-wife in Louisville) we start getting calls that she can stay at Richard's mom's house with him until the 3rd, which means we didn't even have to get lost in the hills anyway. so.....everyone in the cars pissed off at her for costing us a whole tank of gas and about 4 hrs of wasted time

Ang: Was Lil' Dave legally married to the woman wiring the money or was she involved in the bigamy?

monkey boy: she was the one that set him up to get locked up...she was the most pissed....but now they get along just fine...because she had gotten revenge out of her system

Ang: You're kidding. Also why didn’t you leave AFG with her kin-folk in Chattanooga?

monkey boy: We were on the verge of losing signal

Ang: signal?

monkey boy: We didn't have a map so I was using my gps on my cell phone for directions

Ang: Of course, so what ever happened to AWF, twitching dick and the bigamist?

monkey boy: bitching all the way

Ang: do you have any pictures from the trip?

monkey boy: Let me look through em real quick and I'll send a few then