Last night we drive out to South Point Mall in Durham. hI have never been big fan of malls but several of the malls in the triangle combine inside shopping with outside areas where you can enjoy the weather and people watch.

We decided to eat dinner at California Pizza Kitchen because H3 loves the Sicilian Pizza and keeping him happy makes the night more enjoyable.

Because it was Saturday night the wait for a table was 30 minutes. So while H3 waited I took the kid Pottery Barn Kids and walked around the outside strip. I love the outside areas where there is music and lots of people strolling under the fall stars.

Right in front of Barnes and Noble there was a young juggler who was the street performer of the night. The kid was fascinated by him, especially when juggled flaming torches and knives while balancing on a two-wheel skateboard. Thank goodness the sets were short or I would never have gotten him back to the pizza kitchen.

As the kid described the act to H3 I thought he would pee in his pants from excitement. We promised him we would walk back there after we ate and watch another set. The meal was as good as chain food can get and then we walked back to watch more juggling. By this time it was after 9 and the inside mall was closed. But Barnes and Noble stays open until 11:00 so we decided to get some books and drink a cup of coffee before we headed home.

H3 and the kid grabbed the only open table (looks like everyone else had the same idea we did) and I stood in the long (slow) line. The wait might not have been too bad if it were not for this moron in front of me. Have you ever looked at someone and realized you could run them over and not feel a bit of guilt?

First he was ugly. Not birth defect ugly or “I can't help it ugly,” but ugly in the “I think I am hot but I just look stupid ugly.” First He was fat (not that it was the defining thing because I belong to that subgroup myself) but in a short, compact, even my fingers are so swollen I can't make a fist and I walk like Frankenstein kind of way. Then he had this greasy hairstyle that you realize was greasy because he put too much product in his hair. He was also wearing a black leather car length coat that made him look even shorter and more compact than he was. He reminded me of an annoying Chris Farley character. And to top it all off he had a big zit on the edge of his lip that reminded me of Bill Murray in Osmosis Jones.

But what really made me want to run him over was the way he acted with his date. I really could not tell what the relationship (stuck in hell or awkward date) was but this poor girl never looked up or said more than two words. He talked non stop about himself and how great he was. Then every few seconds he would lean over, try to put his arm around her (because they were so stubby and fat it only went mid-way around her back) and he would try to kiss her cheek.

The girl would pull away slightly and turn her head so his lips hit her hair. Once she did not see him coming and he got her cheek where he proceeded to give her a raspberry. That is when she spoke and said “that was gross,” which made him laugh.

He must have kissed her head 30 times in the 10 minutes we stood there. Because the girl kept her head looking at the floor the entire time, he would always lean into her body space when talking to her. He kept asking her if she wanted anything to eat or drink but would just shake her head no.

I was to the point that I almost abandoned my position in line but I was too close to the end to give up. Right before he gave his order he started talking about how people at work always tell him what a great job his parents did raising him because he was such an incredible man.

It took all of my strength not to look at her and say "for God's sake end the insanity and run away as fast as you can."

This guy was a cross between Bill Murray's character Todd LaBounta from Saturday Night Live and Chris Farley from "Tommy Boy." Any moment I thought him would break out and sing "Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat" then give her a noogie.