It’s been hard to blog lately because I feel so down. Some people blog more when they are down, but I hate to pour all my bad feelings out and then weeks later look back and feel stupid for what I have written.

Anyway I have been saying so many mean things to H3 lately. Part of me thinks he deserves everything I have dished out, and then at other times I just feel like the most evil person on earth.

I try to convince myself that things are not so bad. I watch these shows were people have it much worse than I do, trying to make myself feel less cheated. But no matter how hard I try, I do feel cheated. I hate being in a relationship were you feel alone. The other day I was on the phone to Twinkie and she always makes me laugh. When I hung up H3 asked me why I was not as nice to him as I was to Twinkie. Of course, I responded that it was because she is nicer to me than he is. What a bunch of bull shit that was. The real reason is that when I talk with her I feel good about myself. I laugh, I feel carefree, I feel alive. Some of my best times in the past year have been when I am talking with Twinkie or chatting with her and Skippy online.

That’s it – in twelve months that is the highlight? I know what you are thinking and yes it’s pathetic. Why is it that it is easier for me to have fun with my friends, than it is for me to have fun with the person I share my bed with? Do I expect more out of him than I do others, and if so, is that so wrong?

I feel that I have come a long way this year in realizing that many of my dreams are out of reach and I honestly have been trying to be more content with what my life is. However, there are some fundamental things that I want from the person I plan to grow old with. Is that wrong? To make it in a long-term relationship do you have to be willing to give up everything you expect from the other person. Must you be willing to accept them for what they are and want nothing else?

The thing that upsets me the most about H3 is that I really feel that he has the potential to be everything I need. For the first few years we were perfect together. In fact, I don’t think we had a fight for at least the first year. But no matter how hard we try we can’t seem to find that magic again.

In the movie “As Good as it Gets” Jack Nicholson says the line “You make me want to be a better man.” I want to be with someone who makes me want to be a better woman. I want to be with someone that I admire so much that I want to live up to their expectations. Maybe that is asking too much.

The irony is that “As Good as it Gets” is one of H3’s favorite movies. And the previously mentioned line is one he used to quote all the time. I don’t think I make him want to be a better man. In fact, I bring out the worst in him.

Megmonster has been going through a hard time lately. Like most of us she is faced with finding out that it is hard to be alone. But I keep telling her that she is so special that she should not settle for mediocre. I don’t want her to make the mistakes that I have in life. More than anything I want her to give a lot of thought about what she wants from the person she will share her life with and then I want her to be strong enough to wait until that person comes along. The last thing I want is for her to settle for less than she deserves just because she hates being alone. Trust me, feeling lonely when your in a relationship is much worse than being alone.

I found a wonderful blog yesterday and I spent hours reading every post. Even though I know this person, I was fascinated by the depth of the thoughts shared. It made me (once again) realize how vulnerable we all are and that we all just want to feel loved. Today this person posted something that I needed to hear. The post said:

“Love everyone you can. Love your spouse, love your kids, then once, just once, love somebody else just because it feels good. Your spouse, you know, may be living exactly according to these principles.”

Maybe if I can just figure out how to do that then all this will somehow make sense.