Is that a Twinkie in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

I finally ventured out of the house Saturday night. I felt the need to be the center of attention and when that happens there's no better cure than a night of karaoke.

My friend Twinkie and I talked about trying someplace new, but after several discussions we ended up at the same old redneck bar. The bar crowd included the familiar mix of toothless drunks and druggies. And as usual, there was a full supply of drama.

For some reason I was the taxi of choice Saturday night. Fortunately for me, all the riders live in a trailer park that's close by. The first ride of the night was Bubbles, a young girl angry with her drunken boyfriend. She asked Twinkie to give her a ride to her mom's trailer. Twinkie (a woman who knows when she should not drive) asked me if I would do the honors. Twinkie came along for the ride.

I had one big gripe Saturday night. The DJ, Junior, kept calling Twinkie "cupcake." How can you mistake Twinkie for a cupcake? My friend is clearly not a cupcake. A cupcake is perky, dumb, dingy and weak. My friend is obviously a Twinkie. A Twinkie is unique, cool, sultry and smart. There's just something about a Twinkie.

As far as snack cakes go I am partial to the Twinkie. First the Twinkie has fewer calories than other snack cakes. The Twinkie weighs in at mere 150 calories per serving.

And the Twinkie is amazingly versatile. In Hawaii they have brown banana-crème filled Twinkies and there's also a hard to find chocolate covered Twinkie that's called a Chocodile. You can even fry them for an over-the-top treat. Of all the Twinkie recipes I have found the most creative has to be Twinkie Sushi.

Whatever you do with a Twinkie, be careful with it around the microwave. A Rice University experiment proved that a Twinkie will explode in 45 seconds when exposed to extreme radiation.

Finally, a Twinkie is just that, a Twinkie. There is no hidden meaning or innuendo behind the its name. Compare it to the Ho Ho or King Dong. Do you really want to be known as a lover of the double ho or big dong? You don't hear decent people publicly claiming, "Life is a big dong -- not outside of porn circles anyway."

There is no shame in loving the Twinkie. According to Sean Fogy, Twinkie is the meaning of life.

"Nothing but creamy goodness has ever come from Twinkies. No major wars have ever been started in the name of Twinkie, other than the occasional two fat guys fighting over the last one. I once talked with Quentin Tarantino and he said that was what was in the briefcase.

Twinkies bring happiness to those who eat them. They're yellow. Not only are they delicious, but they're good for you too! Eat a Twinkie today and you're life will be changed forever."

It's time for me to take a stand. I would much rather hang out with a Twinkie than a cupcake. Listen up Junior, get your snack cakes right. If you dis my girl again, you'll be forever known as little ring-ding.