Love You

Included in my list of top 20 most stupid things I have ever done will be moving to North Carolina to have a more laidback lifestyle. It's laid back alright.

I am sooo bored. I miss my family and friends. Everyone in this town is either over eighty or their lives revolve around church. There are a lot of great things about this place but I am so alone. And I have always hated doing things alone.

Did I mention that h3 bought Dungeons and Dragons online a few weeks ago? Not that he is great company anyway but what little adult conversation I had is now completely gone.

Maybe I should try to focus on doing something creative.

Okay I know this is just one more reason for Megmonster to hate me (it's a mother/daughter thing) but I just have to share with everyone how cute she is.

She got a new tattoo recently and even though I worry that one day she will regret getting them (it's a mother thing) she is just too adorable for words.

So go ahead, get mad, roll your eyes, huff and puff, mark it down on your list of things I have done to humiliate you -- I just can't take not sharing how adorable you are with all my friends.



BTW, the tattoo says "Knit or Die" - I didn't get it but according to her & H3 it's funny.

Megmonster is in town this week for spring break. On Wednesday we went to the "city" for a "shop 'til you drop" session. I found myself saying -- don't be hatin' about 100 times. Sometimes I am amazed at how much hate there is. Megmonster complains about people judging her and her friends for how they look, but then she talks about every subset of society that she hates.

I was reading some of the blogs that her friends have posted on MY SPACE and it makes me sad how much they talk about hating this person or that group. One "friend" is a guy she knew years ago and he is uber religious. I found myself reading his blog and was stunned at the hate he spreads. How can you claim to be a Christian when you have so much hate for others?

The hate and judgmental crap is what turned me off to religion. I think it's also what turned Megmonster and her older brother against religion. But I can't understand how my kids don’t see that it doesn't matter what you believe, it' not okay to be hatin' on anyone.

Maybe I am just getting old but life is too short to waste it by hatin'. Now let's all join hands and sing kumbaya.

Zeppgodess tagged me to list 6 weird things/habits people may not know about me...

I don't know why this was so hard. Thank goodness Twinkie is such an observant person. She helped me by reminding me of some of the weird behaviors she has noticed over the years. Of course some things like my toe twirling have been mentioned before (by Twinkie) so they could not be in my list.

Since it took me so long to do this everyone I know has already been tagged. So I will have to find 6 strangers to tag. Maybe later.

Here are my six for your amusement:

1. I have an over active sense of smell. It drives H3 and the kids crazy. I am constantly going through the house trying to identify were the mysterious "bad smell" is coming from. I walk around looking under furniture, crawl around sniffing the carpet, etc. Occasionally H3 tries to sneak and smoke in the house but no matter where he hides, I can smell it. I normally yell "Do you smell smoke?" Of course he does, he is the one lighting up. I have also been known to go around the house with a black light trying to locate any organic stains that might be causing the mysterious smell. Normally I am the only one who can smell anything and they all think I'm crazy.

2. I hate all feet except for soft little newborn baby feet. I don't want anyone to touch my feet and please don't ask me to touch yours. Feet freak me out. However I it does not bother me to rub my kid's feet.

3. I hate to pump gas. I am so impatient about it that I usually stop after putting in $5. Of course this also means I was normally on empty. Anytime I picked Twinkie up to go out, we always had to stop for gas. I think it drove her crazy even though she would laugh about it. I also won't stop for gas until it is in the danger empty zone. I have "how far I can actually drive after the light comes on" down to a science.

4. I love Hot and Sour soup but I won't eat any of the slimy stuff in it. I spoon out all of the broth to eat and leave the other stuff behind.

5. I am always buying things then giving it away (unused) to friends and family. I have the hardest time passing up a deal and the when I have all this stuff I don't need I feel bad about it and give it away. If you’re my friend you have to get used to this. Even if you say no to something I am trying to give you, I will insist that you take it. I also hate to return things so if it does not fit (or work out) I will give the item away rather than exchanging it.

6. I have crazy nightmares were I scream and jump out of bed. I have had these since I was in my teens. I either dream that something is crawling on me or that someone is standing in my doorway. Some nights I can scream out 2 – 3 times a night. I have also hit husbands while I am in my sleep. For example I might dream that H3 has bugs on him so I will smack at them while he is asleep. I have also punched (calm down it was not hard) a kid or two when they stood over me while I was asleep. This is reason number one why we do not allow guns in the house.

So my PMS haze has lifted and I am closer to sanity. It's 81 degrees today and sunny. You can't be sad with great weather like this. I think I am going to go to "The Target" and buy some new cushions for the front porch chairs. Something with lots of color seems appropriate.

It’s been hard to blog lately because I feel so down. Some people blog more when they are down, but I hate to pour all my bad feelings out and then weeks later look back and feel stupid for what I have written.

Anyway I have been saying so many mean things to H3 lately. Part of me thinks he deserves everything I have dished out, and then at other times I just feel like the most evil person on earth.

I try to convince myself that things are not so bad. I watch these shows were people have it much worse than I do, trying to make myself feel less cheated. But no matter how hard I try, I do feel cheated. I hate being in a relationship were you feel alone. The other day I was on the phone to Twinkie and she always makes me laugh. When I hung up H3 asked me why I was not as nice to him as I was to Twinkie. Of course, I responded that it was because she is nicer to me than he is. What a bunch of bull shit that was. The real reason is that when I talk with her I feel good about myself. I laugh, I feel carefree, I feel alive. Some of my best times in the past year have been when I am talking with Twinkie or chatting with her and Skippy online.

That’s it – in twelve months that is the highlight? I know what you are thinking and yes it’s pathetic. Why is it that it is easier for me to have fun with my friends, than it is for me to have fun with the person I share my bed with? Do I expect more out of him than I do others, and if so, is that so wrong?

I feel that I have come a long way this year in realizing that many of my dreams are out of reach and I honestly have been trying to be more content with what my life is. However, there are some fundamental things that I want from the person I plan to grow old with. Is that wrong? To make it in a long-term relationship do you have to be willing to give up everything you expect from the other person. Must you be willing to accept them for what they are and want nothing else?

The thing that upsets me the most about H3 is that I really feel that he has the potential to be everything I need. For the first few years we were perfect together. In fact, I don’t think we had a fight for at least the first year. But no matter how hard we try we can’t seem to find that magic again.

In the movie “As Good as it Gets” Jack Nicholson says the line “You make me want to be a better man.” I want to be with someone who makes me want to be a better woman. I want to be with someone that I admire so much that I want to live up to their expectations. Maybe that is asking too much.

The irony is that “As Good as it Gets” is one of H3’s favorite movies. And the previously mentioned line is one he used to quote all the time. I don’t think I make him want to be a better man. In fact, I bring out the worst in him.

Megmonster has been going through a hard time lately. Like most of us she is faced with finding out that it is hard to be alone. But I keep telling her that she is so special that she should not settle for mediocre. I don’t want her to make the mistakes that I have in life. More than anything I want her to give a lot of thought about what she wants from the person she will share her life with and then I want her to be strong enough to wait until that person comes along. The last thing I want is for her to settle for less than she deserves just because she hates being alone. Trust me, feeling lonely when your in a relationship is much worse than being alone.

I found a wonderful blog yesterday and I spent hours reading every post. Even though I know this person, I was fascinated by the depth of the thoughts shared. It made me (once again) realize how vulnerable we all are and that we all just want to feel loved. Today this person posted something that I needed to hear. The post said:

“Love everyone you can. Love your spouse, love your kids, then once, just once, love somebody else just because it feels good. Your spouse, you know, may be living exactly according to these principles.”

Maybe if I can just figure out how to do that then all this will somehow make sense.

I just stole my kid's package of Fun Dip. In my defense, it had been sitting on his computer desk (in a bowl full of untouched candy) since Halloween. Tonight I just couldn't stand it any longer and I had to have it.



I love licking the white candy stick and then dipping it into the sweet/sour blue powder. I was going to post a picture of my bright blue tongue but I decided it was too gross.