Crack salad and lunches with Twinkie.

I have been in Mayberry less than six weeks and someone has already called me a bitch. I think that sets a new record.

Here's the scoop:

The company that I am running has a (crappy) Web site that I am trying to redesign. The Web site is being hosted and was maintained by a local-yokel. The yokel (let's call him Barney Fife) had a pretty sweet deal with the previous director. She did not even know how to use a computer so he would bill her for all kinds of stuff and she would just pay him.

But Barney was slick enough to get the former director to sign a two year hosting contract before she left. I knew from the start that Barney did not like me. When I would ask him questions he would just make something up. Unfortunately for him I know enough about computers to press for a real answer.

The other day I registered two new domain names for the company. When I called Barney to get the correct DNS info (so I could change the settings at Network Solutions) he seemed irritated by my request. His response was "I will just take care of it."

Imagine my surprise when I got billed for 1.5 hours of work. For those of you who have never set up a new domain name it takes about 3 minutes, if that long.

So I called Barney and asked why it took so long. He told me a bunch of bull about running into problems and how he was charging me for a years' worth of DNS administration.

So I sent him an e-mail asking for a detailed breakdown of the 1.5 hours. I also asked him about a computer he sold the company a few months ago. This "new machine" ended up being a refurbished machine even though the company was told it was new, the invoice said it was new and the company paid for a new machine.

Barney also charged the company for a copy of XP home edition that was already installed on the machine at the factory. I am sure he thought no one would realize this.

So after several e-mail exchanges he called and started screaming at me. The highlight of the conversation was when he said Â….

" You think you can come in here from a big city like you are some big bad bitch from New York City, well this is a small town and I will ruin you."

After I brought up some of the shady (and illegal) things I had proof of, he said "just forget the bill for the DNS change, I will write it off, I don't have time to mess with this anymore."

I thanked him and ended the conversation with "I want to make it clear that if you ever call me and talk to me like you just did I will take the issue to my board of directors and let them deal with you. Like you said, this is a small town and things do get around."

He did not respond.

Needless to say, I moved the Web site to another company and the rerouted the DNS. How long did it take me to change the DNS info on Net Solutions? About 3 minutes.

It will probably take Barney about 1.5 hours to figure out that we have moved.

The bitch strikes again.

I love Six Feet Under. It is such an incredibly written show. Of course it's too bizarre for the mainstream -- not to mention the folks in Mayberry. Maybe that is why I like it so much. Well I am off to watch episode 55.

For those of you who care, yes I am alive and still in Mayberry. And no they have not turned me into a "Stepford Wife."

I have so much to share but I am working seven days a week. I promise to get caught up soon. Thanks for hanging in there. I will try and make it worth your time.

I feel like I am in the movie Groundhog Day. Like Bill Murry, I keep making the same mistakes over and over and over and over. You'd think at my age I would have learned that you can't run from problems.

You might dream that if you move to Mayberry or Pleasantville you will be like every other Cleaver clan but the reality is that the same bad habits and problems that plagued you before will find a their way back into your life.

So now I am in Mayberry, feeling all alone and miserable. And I know that there will never be breakfast before work, or family dinners at the table, or leisurely walks around the block before sunset. Maybe deep down I always new that it would never be perfect here. Sometimes you just want to believe that things can be easier.

But at the moment life here sucks and I wish I could click my heels and go home.

One of the staff members I inherited is an employee who is 83-years-old. When I heard about Miss Eunice I was sure that it would be a bad situation and wondered how was I going to let her go. The surprising thing is, after a rough start on my first day, I have actually learned a lot from the old gal.

In fact, I look forward to the days she will be there. Last week we even started to bond. When I asked for her advice on some merchandise changes I could tell that she appreciated the fact that I asked for her input. We also talked about her granddaughter who was due to deliver Miss Eunice's first great- grandson any day.

On Wednesday Miss Eunice informed me that the baby was on the way. I asked her if she wanted to leave early and she said "no" that she would join the family at the hospital later in the day.

On Thursday morning Miss Eunice was glowing with excitement as she described her first look at her beautiful new great-grandson. She said it was the most beautiful baby boy she had ever seen.

Miss Eunice was going to be off work for the next four days because her daughter was coming from "up North" to see the new baby. So I was a little surprised when she called to tell me that she would not be back at work on Tuesday.

Then came the pause....... "Our baby died" she said.

I was stunned. All I could say was "Eunice, I am so sorry." After we hung up all I could do is cry for her loss. I can picture her so excited when she talked about his birth.

Even in Mayberry bad things happen.